Whew! Y’all really responded in numbers to my LTK post about the new products I found for Demi’s hair. Many of you asked me to make a video of how I use the products to style her hair. You asked, and I delivered. See the video here. If you want the products, you can visit the direct LTK link here to get them from Target. If you’re an Amazon girly, get the gel, mousse, leave in condish and detangling spray by clicking the individual product links and adding to your cart. Some of them are cheaper on Amazon. Can’t wait to see all the happy girls with happy curls!
Summer is coming! I am sure you’ve enrolled your kids in summer camps, booked a few vacations, and planned some play dates, but have you thought about how you’ll stay on top of your kiddos’ academics while they’re home? I’ve already started thinking about how to spiral in what they’ve learned this past year to make sure they don’t lose it. I plan to find creative ways to keep them engaged by using everyday things that we have around the house. If you don’t have these things, there’s nothing a quick Amazon order won’t fix. Let’s take the use of dominoes for instance. Quinn is finishing up 5th grade, and one of their math focuses this year was converting improper fractions to mixed numbers. A big focus in third grade for Demi was learning her multiplication facts. In Kindergarten, Max worked on addition and subtraction up to 10. What better way to work on all of these than with dominoes? If you don’t have dominoes at home already, you can snag these on Amazon for cheap. Watch the video below to see how we used them as manipulatives. Have fun!
Life has been lifing this last month of school. I am an AP at my kids’ school, and y’all, I still waited until the last minute to get their teachers’ appreciation gifts together. I didn’t have much time, but I did the best I could with the materials I had at home, a grocery store run for gift cards and their favorite snacks, and some help from Amazon Prime (same day delivery). I’ve contemplated letting that monthly Prime membership go, but honey, it’s honestly worth every penny. Look at how cute my last minute gifts were for the teachers! I bought these boxes and crinkle cut paper shred from Amazon and used some ribbon I found at home. I would have much rather had used this ribbon, but it wouldn’t have gotten to me in time, and all of you on-time people bought out the school themed ribbon from my local Michaels and Hobby Lobby (insert eye roll). I used my Cricut machine and permanent vinyl to add a nice touch to their names, and voila! It took about 45 minutes to assemble the gifts. Maybe it’s too late for you to do this for Teacher Appreciation Week, but the end of the school year is coming, and they deserve a gift at that time too; teachers actually deserve the world. Thank me later.
We’ve finally got a good groove of chores around the Smith camp, and I couldn’t be happier, ‘cause Honey, I was this close (put your index finger and thumb finger as close as you possibly can without touching) to throwing up baskets of laundry in the middle of the floor and screaming, “Someone help me, dammit!” It’s been rough y’all. With me back working full time, I’ve really not been able to keep all my eggs in one basket.
In the wee hours of the morning a few weeks ago, I asked myself, ‘What can I do to make these kids more accountable for helping around the house?’ I searched apps and came across “Chore Hero.” Y’all, it’s been my best friend, and the kids love it, too. They can come home, grab their device and see the chores that have been assigned to them for the day. They can click them when they’re done. I have the option to reward them however I like, and they can redeem their points for their rewards. It’s pure genius! And it’s free. I didn’t come here to promote Chore Hero, but I came here to say that I almost lost my eggs again when Quinn asked me why I don’t pay them to do chores. Y’all, I went real black mama on him. “You stay in this house for free don’t you? You eat up my groceries for free don’t you? Period Pooh!”
I honestly don’t think I’ll ever pay my kids to do chores. Nah. Not me. Why?
-Because they need to know that we are a team. Mama isn’t the only one around here who messes up the house. We all need to do our part to make life easier for everyone.
-Because they need to know that you shouldn’t always expect a reward when you do things that you’re supposed to do. Do it because it’s an expectation, not because you’re seeking a reward. I won’t pay for good behavior and obedience.
-Because they’ll grow to have families of their own, and their spouses will not talk about the mother-in-law from hell who didn’t teach her kids how to clean up and take care of a house.
-Because Ben and I reward them in other ways. Typically, whatever our kids want, our kids get, and we remind them that their wants and needs are not even in the closest way an even exchange for them doing their chores.
-Because I don’t want them to feel entitled. Cleaning up after yourself and knowing how to clean up a mess are both basic skills. They won’t walk away from any table expecting that someone will clean behind them. We even clean up the table at restaurants before we leave. It’s common courtesy.
-Because I want them to have a sense of pride and be intrinsically motivated to do things and expect Nathaniel in return. (Nathaniel is a black mama’s way of saying nothing).
-Because they can earn money by doing extraordinary things- giving their old clothes and toys to charity, helping an elderly neighbor by watering her grass, etc.
I get it that some families really want to teach their children the values of work that’s tied to money or the concept that if you work, you earn money. However, the most important thing for me to teach my kids is that being a part of the family and helping each other is the most important thing.
So, yeah. That’s it. In a nutshell, this mama is not paying her kids to clean up a house that they live in and are the sole culprits of messing up. Well, them and the dog that they begged for, but that’s another post for another day.
It’s been a minute (8 months exactly) since I’ve made a post. Life has been so busy for the Smith clan. We had the winter storm in February. We dealt with some flooding from burst pipes. We’ve been juggling sports, a move, and a new dog. It’s been a lot, but we are here and making it!
Since I last wrote, Ben and I celebrated our 10-year anniversary. So many people congratulated us on making our love last through the decade, so many people commented that they admired our love, so many people said that we make this marriage thing look easy. It hasn’t been easy, but, together we make life good. I sat down and really thought about why I think we have an incredible marriage. Why? Read on….
We still make time to date each other. Ya’ll better get yourself a good babysitter, and go on regular dates with your spouse. Shout out to my mama and the Smith clan for always holding it down!
We talk- often. Through the good and the bad, we talk. You have to communicate with your spouse. Talk about what’s bothering you. One thing I love about Ben is that he sets me straight in the most respectful way ever. I know how to handle him, and he knows how to handle me.
We know what each other likes/dislikes. We know what pushes each others’ buttons, and we try our very best to avoid those things. If we are ever in a disagreement while talking on the phone, I know that the ultimate way to piss Ben off is to hang up in his face. I learned that early on. I think I’ve only done it maybe four times in the 16 years that we’ve been together. Sometimes I’m immature, and I need the last word, ya’ll.
We get along with each others’ families. Whew, chile. This is a big one. I know for most, this is easier said than done, but your marriage gon’ more than likely be in turmoil 60% of the time if you can’t get along with each others’ families. We are truly blessed in this department.
We don’t sleep separately. If we are mad at each other, we gon’ ‘both be in the bed mad, and I’m gon’ still put my cold feet on him. And that’s that. Ain’t no sleeping in the guest room or on the couch. We gon’ be mad right in this bed together.
We keep things fresh. Things can get stale quick, so make sure you’re keeping it spicy.
We make sacrifices, and OFTEN. There’s no “I” in “TEAM.” We do what’s best for us. We don’t move as individuals. I mean, we do when it comes to hanging out with friends and such, but not when it comes to things that may make or break our family.
We are not jealous. Like not at all. We can literally sit at the bar together and a handsome guy can walk in, and I can turn to my husband and say, “Okay, grey shirt!” He’d look at the handsome guy I’m referencing and laugh. And the same goes for him. He can tell me how beautiful he thinks someone else is. Most of the time, I agree, but I always have to end it with, “But she ain’t no Shalesha!” I’m so full of myself. But seriously, y’all. We are happily married and secure enough to not be jealous when we compliment the opposite sex. We are married, but we ain’t blind! And I’ve come to the realization that if anyone can “TAKE” my husband from me, then he wasn’t mine to begin with.
We still text and talk to one another as though we’ve just started dating. We like to flirt with each other.
We show appreciation for each other. Sometimes that appreciation is so small, but it matters. Just yesterday I thanked Ben for doing the dishes. That man didn’t have to be so good to me like that.
We talk often about what needs to be improved, and we act on it.
We have a shared vision of what success looks like for us. We don’t worry about what anyone else has going on. We are working for us, and that works just fine for us.
There’s so much more that I can add, but these are the top reasons why our marriage works and will continue to do so. In a world where everything is so fast, slow down and take time to know your spouse. Take time to date each other. Take time to listen. Take time to work things out. Take time to sacrifice. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
Today is the day that I will admit to the world that I’m a mean mom. There, I said it. Does that shock you? Eh, maybe. Sometimes I sit and reflect about how crappy of a mom I was that day, that week, or hell, just five minutes ago. Sometimes I’m in tears talking to my husband about how shitty I’ve made the kids feel after scolding them about something. He always assures me that it’s okay and that the kids love me just the same- if not more. On days when I am feeling like the world’s worst mom, I comfort myself with subtle reassurances that tomorrow is a new day; I’ll get a fresh start. Sometimes, I nail the day, but unfortunately, sometimes the day nails me.
I know that I need to exercise more patience, stop the excessive yelling, and just simply let my kids be kids- even if it entails putting each other in a chokehold, jumping from the top bunk bed, or having a real life WWE match right in the middle of the living room. But I just can’t, y’all. There are things that I’m just flat out mean about, and I won’t break or bend on these things.
1. They have to clean up. It’s just that simple. I didn’t make the mess, so I WILL NOT be cleaning it up. I’m sorry that you can’t go outside or move on to the next activity if you haven’t cleaned up. I’m sorry if you’re in the middle of playing Roblox, but please come get these shoes and clothes that you left in the middle of the floor and place them where they need to go. Everything in my house has its place, and my kids know that everything must be in its place. Oh, and I’m not paying you to clean up. That’s your job. Period.
2. If I say you have one more chance to mess up, that’s it. You have one more chance. I’ve been so guilty of saying that the kids will have consequences if they do this or that, but I actually won’t follow through with the consequence. Case in point- don’t we always tell our kids that we are going to take their TV privileges or devices away if they do such and such one more time? How long does that last? I typically give in about day 2, ‘cause honestly, I just need some peace when I’m cooking, so hell, here’s the iPad. Not anymore. When I say you have one more chance, that’s it. You will get the consequence that’s promised to you. If you do the crime, you do the time. It’s simple. Following through is important for kids. They need to know what the boundaries are and that there are consequences for overstepping them.
3. My kitchen is not a restaurant, so you will eat what I cook. If you don’t like broccoli, then pick it out or eat around it. If you don’t want to eat the bell peppers that I used to help season what’s on the menu, then don’t. If the meal is really just not to your liking, I’ll make you a sandwich or you can have a lunchable. I enjoy cooking but not enough to make everyone’s meals made to order. You’ve heard it before. This ain’t Burger King, Boo.
4. I like playing with my kids, but I am not always going to play with them when they want me to. That sounds pretty mean, huh? Don’t get me wrong, we love doing fun activities, being crafty, filming crazy videos, etc. but sometimes I just don’t want to play, so I say no. And that’s okay. I want my kids to understand that while most of my life revolves around them, I am not catering to them 100% of the time. I still need time to AND for myself. Everyone, even them, is allowed to have boundaries. They need to know that I sometimes need a break, and they should respect that- just as anyone should respect them when they’re not feeling up for playing.
5. They have to take responsibility for their actions. Playing in the house after I told you not to, and now something is broken? That’s okay. You will use your money to replace it (or have some type of consequence if said item is too expensive for them to replace). If you forget your homework once, fine. I’ll bring it. But good luck next time; you’ll just have to get those points deducted. True story, y’all- Quinn forgot his lunch kit in the car for the second time in one week; he literally cried because he knew I wasn’t going to bring it to him. He even had the receptionist call me to ask. Nope. Sorry, Buddy. He didn’t die, but he probably thought he was going to since he had to eat school lunch. Oh well.
So, there you have it, World. All of my mean-mom tendencies have been laid out. I understand why my mom was the way she was, and I hope my kids will one day understand that my meanness and discipline is all love. I’m training them up to be responsible and decent humans. This mean-mom badge is worn happily with a smile, ‘cause these kids gon’ learn today. Actually- they gon’ learn for life.
Before even tying the knot, I had a pretty good idea of what it meant to be a “perfect wife.” I was ready to make that image a reality the moment I said, “I do.” I knew I was “supposed to” have a home cooked meal ready every day, a spotless home, wear lingerie frequently, spice up the bedroom with costumes occasionally, plan monthly “never done before” date nights, and a whole list of other “perfect wife expectations.” I was ready!
For the first few years of marriage, I did just that. I was the “perfect wife.” The kitchen always smelled of new recipes, the house was white glove test approved, date night was always unpredictable, and the bedroom was oh-so-spicy. Even though we’d had Quinn, I was still able to manage all of this. It wasn’t until Demi came around that I began to feel like a failure- well, compared to the first few years. I want to put the disclaimer out there that Ben never made me feel this way; he was always happy with whatever. It was ME who made MYSELF feel like I’d dropped the ball on wife life. Why? Because I wasn’t able to keep up what I’d started. I was working full-time, being a full-time wife and 24-hour mom to two kids. That shit was hard! The house was a mess, hot dinners became a thing of the past, date nights were few and far in between, and my sex drive kerplunked. I was #tiredasamotha. I began to think about how dedicated I was prior to this and desired to be better. But at the same time, I tried to remind myself that those hot meals, the spotless home, date nights, etc. did not, at all, determine my value as a wife.
Now nearly ten years into my marriage, I’ve realized that there’s so much more to being a good wife than cleaning, cooking and date nights. I’ve realized that I can make a bigger difference in my marriage by prioritizing a few other things. Because after all, having a clean house and slaving in the kitchen stressed me tf out. And, let’s be honest, no one wants to put up with a stressed out wife.
I’ve learned to spend more time doing the following, which, in return, have made me a “perfect wife.”
-asking my husband how his day was
-letting him know he’s loved and appreciated
-listening to him
-lowering expectations for myself
-asking my husband how I can help him and take a load off of his plate
-making time for him (This is hard with kids, but it’s a MUST.)
-talking through things with him when something is bothering me (I used to expect him to read my mind, and of course, that never ended well.)
-showing concern for him when something is bothering him
-doing random acts of kindness
-taking care of and noticing his needs
Reflecting on all of this, I could have saved so much time, energy and stress if I’d realized what truly mattered all along. I was so honed in on being the “perfect wife” that I was focused on the wrong things. Don’t get me wrong, those things were appreciated, but they just weren’t the most important. To be honest, they stood in the way of what was really important in my marriage. So, Sis, forget that load of laundry and those dishes in the sink tonight, and give “husbae” a little extra- a little more of you.
This is a question that I get asked a lot. I know I see Demi as a doctor because she’s so loving and caring. I see Quinn as some type of artist or chef because he’s creative and loves to be in the kitchen when any meal is being prepared. I’m not quite sure about Max. But him being a lawyer sounds nice and pristine. Surely it’d be incredible if he was a CEO of some multimillion dollar company. But is it really about what profession I (emphasis on I) want my kids to pursue?
No, so I’ve learned to answer that question a little differently when people ask me what I want my kids to be when they grow up. “Happy,” is simply my response. Because after all, it’s not my job to push any profession, any of my desires, any of my hopes, any of my dreams and wishes on my children.
Of course with happiness, I want my kids to be respectful, kind, compassionate, loving, etc, but I think that comes with happiness. After all, those who are truly happy aren’t selfish, deceitful individuals.
I can’t imagine that there’s any parent out there who doesn’t want their child to be happy. I do believe that parents have the tendency to push their kids to fit inside of a boxed idea of what their happiness is. And this, my friends, ends up being the very thing that stands in the way of kids pursuing their passions. I know. It’s hard not to force your success expectations on your kids.But I’ve seen kids who were pushed in a direction that they never wanted to go in the first place grow up to hold grudges toward or even resent their parents.
Don’t get me wrong. Parents should push their kids. Push them to be intrinsically motivated. Push them to be dedicated to everything. Push them to try their hardest. Push them to be tenacious and have perseverance. But do it in a way that encourages and strengthens things that THEY actually want to do.
So mamas (and daddies, ‘cause I know how y’all can get with sports thinking your child will be the next Michal Jordan or Deshaun Watson), let’s consciously make efforts to release our own selfish and ego-driven expectations. Support your kids through whatever path of happiness they choose to take. Offer encouragement, guidance and love along the way. It’s not about what YOU want.
As my kids grow, I will continue to foster things that they are interested in. Right now it’s soccer and baseball for Quinn, it’s soccer and gymnastics for Demi (even though she wasted my time and money with gymnastics) and for Max, well, he just gets in where he fits in, but I’m ready to nurture all of the things he loves. From now until I leave this Earth, “happy” is my response to those who ask what I want my kids to be when they grow up, and that’s that.
Beyoncé dropped her single “Black Parade” on Juneteenth, a celebratory day in the black community. June 19th, 1865 signified the end of slavery for all blacks. “Black Parade” is an anthem full of blackness. Let’s break apart the song so that we can understand all of its black greatness. Footnotes are provided for more information.
Please comment below if you know of any other good books about diversity to add to the list. I would recommend that you also read children’s books by diverse authors (not necessarily about race) to expose your children to unfamiliar writers/ writers who don’t look like them.
Sister Anne’s Hands- Marybeth Lorbiecki
Teach Your Dragon about Diversity- Steve Herman
A Kids Book About Racism- Jelani Memory
Separate is Never Equal: Sylvia Mendez and Her Family’s Fight for Desegregation- Duncan Tonatiuh
Shades of People- Shelly Rotner and Sheila Kelly
The Other Side- Jacqueline Woodson
We are the Change: Words of Inspiration from Civil Rights Leaders- Harry Belafonte
Heart and Soul: The Story of America and African Americans- Kadir Nelson
The Proudest Blue: The Story of Hijab and Family- Ibtihaj Muhammad
Mixed: A Colorful Story- Arree Chung
Not My Idea: A Book About Whiteness (Ordinary Terrible Things)- Anastasia Higginbotham
Ruth and the Green Book- Calvin Alexander Ramsey and Gwen Strauss
All Because You Matter-Tami Charles
Enough! 20 Protesters Who Changed America- Emily Easton
Sit-In: How Four Friends Stood Up by Sitting Down- Andrea Davis Pinkney
God’s Dream- Desmond Tutu and Douglas Carlton Abrams
Desmond and the Very Mean World- Desmond Tutu
The Arabic Quilt: An Immigrant Story- Aya Khalil
Skin Like Mine (Kids Like Mine)- LaTashia M. Perry
This Is How We Do It: One Day in the Lives of Seven Kids from Around the World- Matt Lamothe
I Am Enough- Grace Byers
Happy in Our Skin Paperback- Fran Manushkin
A Child’s Introduction to African American History: The Experiences, People, and Events That Shaped Our Country- Jabari Asim
Something Happened in Our Town: A Child’s Story About Racial Injustice- Marianne Celano, Marietta Collins, and Ann Hazzard
