Author: shalisha.galloway

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The Perception of the Perfect Wife

Before even tying the knot, I had a pretty good idea of what it meant to be a “perfect wife.” I was ready to make that image a reality the moment I said, “I do.” I knew I was “supposed to” have a home cooked meal ready every day, a spotless home, wear lingerie frequently, spice up the bedroom with costumes occasionally, plan monthly “never done before” date nights, and a whole list of other “perfect wife expectations.” I was ready!

For the first few years of marriage, I did just that. I was the “perfect wife.” The kitchen always smelled of new recipes, the house was white glove test approved, date night was always unpredictable, and the bedroom was oh-so-spicy. Even though we’d had Quinn, I was still able to manage all of this. It wasn’t until Demi came around that I began to feel like a failure- well, compared to the first few years. I want to put the disclaimer out there that Ben never made me feel this way; he was always happy with whatever. It was ME who made MYSELF feel like I’d dropped the ball on wife life. Why? Because I wasn’t able to keep up what I’d started. I was working full-time, being a full-time wife and 24-hour mom to two kids. That shit was hard! The house was a mess, hot dinners became a thing of the past, date nights were few and far in between, and my sex drive kerplunked. I was #tiredasamotha. I began to think about how dedicated I was prior to this and desired to be better. But at the same time, I tried to remind myself that those hot meals, the spotless home, date nights, etc. did not, at all, determine my value as a wife. 

Now nearly ten years into my marriage, I’ve realized that there’s so much more to being a good wife than cleaning, cooking and date nights. I’ve realized that I can make a bigger difference in my marriage by prioritizing a few other things. Because after all, having a clean house and slaving in the kitchen stressed me tf out. And, let’s be honest, no one wants to put up with a stressed out wife.

I’ve learned to spend more time doing the following, which, in return, have made me a “perfect wife.” 

-asking my husband how his day was

-letting him know he’s loved and appreciated

-listening to him

-lowering expectations for myself

-asking my husband how I can help him and take a load off of his plate

-making time for him (This is hard with kids, but it’s a MUST.)

-talking through things with him when something is bothering me (I used to expect him to read my mind, and of course, that never ended well.)

-showing concern for him when something is bothering him

-doing random acts of kindness

-taking care of and noticing his needs

Reflecting on all of this, I could have saved so much time, energy and stress if I’d realized what truly mattered all along. I was so honed in on being the “perfect wife” that I was focused on the wrong things. Don’t get me wrong, those things were appreciated, but they just weren’t the most important. To be honest, they stood in the way of what was really important in my marriage. So, Sis, forget that load of laundry and those dishes in the sink tonight, and give “husbae” a little extra- a little more of you.  

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What Do You Want Your Kids to Be When They Grow Up?

This is a question that I get asked a lot. I know I see Demi as a doctor because she’s so loving and caring. I see Quinn as some type of artist or chef because he’s creative and loves to be in the kitchen when any meal is being prepared. I’m not quite sure about Max. But him being a lawyer sounds nice and pristine. Surely it’d be incredible if he was a CEO of some multimillion dollar company. But is it really about what profession I (emphasis on I) want my kids to pursue? 

No, so I’ve learned to answer that question a little differently when people ask me what I want my kids to be when they grow up. “Happy,” is simply my response. Because after all, it’s not my job to push any profession, any of my desires, any of my hopes, any of my dreams and wishes on my children.   

Of course with happiness, I want my kids to be respectful, kind, compassionate, loving, etc, but I think that comes with happiness. After all, those who are truly happy aren’t selfish, deceitful individuals. 

I can’t imagine that there’s any parent out there who doesn’t want their child to be happy. I do believe that parents have the tendency to push their kids to fit inside of a boxed idea of what their happiness is. And this, my friends, ends up being the very thing that stands in the way of kids pursuing their passions. I know. It’s hard not to force your success expectations on your kids.But I’ve seen kids who were pushed in a direction that they never wanted to go in the first place grow up to hold grudges toward or even resent their parents. 

Don’t get me wrong. Parents should push their kids. Push them to be intrinsically motivated. Push them to be dedicated to everything. Push them to try their hardest. Push them to be tenacious and have perseverance. But do it in a way that encourages and strengthens things that THEY actually want to do. 

So mamas (and daddies, ‘cause I know how y’all can get with sports thinking your child will be the next Michal Jordan or Deshaun Watson), let’s consciously make efforts to release our own selfish and ego-driven expectations. Support your kids through whatever path of happiness they choose to take. Offer encouragement, guidance and love along the way. It’s not about what YOU want. 

As my kids grow, I will continue to foster things that they are interested in. Right now it’s soccer and baseball for Quinn, it’s soccer and gymnastics for Demi (even though she wasted my time and money with gymnastics) and for Max, well, he just gets in where he fits in, but I’m ready to nurture all of the things he loves. From now until I leave this Earth, “happy” is my response to those who ask what I want my kids to be when they grow up, and that’s that. 

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Dissecting Beyoncé’s Black Parade

Beyoncé dropped her single “Black Parade” on Juneteenth, a celebratory day in the black community. June 19th, 1865 signified the end of slavery for all blacks. “Black Parade” is an anthem full of blackness. Let’s break apart the song so that we can understand all of its black greatness. Footnotes are provided for more information. 

[Verse 1]

I’m goin’ back to the South

I’m goin’ back, back, back, back

Where my roots ain’t watered down

Growin’, growin’ like a Baobab tree 1

Of life on fertile ground, ancestors put me on game

Ankh charm on gold chains, with my Oshun energy 2

Drip all on me, Ankh on the Dashiki print 3

Hol’ up, don’t I smell like such a nag champa incense? 4

Yeah, pure ice (Ice), ice (Ice), buss down

Uh, flooded (Flooded), flooded (Flooded), on my wrist out

Ooh, goin’ up, goin’ up, motherland, motherland drip on me

Ooh, melanin, melanin, my drip is skin deep, like 5

Ooh, motherland, motherland, motherland, motherland drip on me

Ooh, yeah, I can’t forget my history is her-story, yeah

Being black, maybe that’s the reason why

They always mad, yeah, they always mad, yeah

Been past ’em, I know that’s the reason why

They all big mad and they always have been 6

[Chorus]

Honey, come around my way, around my hive 7

Whenever mama say so, mama say

Here I come on my throne, sittin’ high

Follow my parade, oh, my parade

Talkin’ slick to my folk (My folk), nip that lip like lipo (Lipo) 8

You hear them swarmin’, right? Bees is known to bite

Now here we come on our thrones, sittin’ high 9

Follow my parade, oh, my parade

[Verse 2]

Yeah, yeah, I’m for us, all black 10

All chrome (Yeah), black-owned (Yeah)

Black tints (Yeah), matte black (Yeah, yeah)

Roll by, my window down, let ’em see who in it

Crack a big smile (Ding)

Go figure, me and Jigga, fifty ‘leven children 11

They like, “Chick, how?”

I charge my crystals in a full moon

You could send them missiles, I’ma send my goons

Baby sister reppin’ Yemaya (Yemaya) 12

Trust me, they gon’ need an army (Ah)

Rubber bullets bouncin’ off me (Ah) 13

Made a picket sign off your picket fence (Ah) 14

Take it as a warning (Ah, ah)

Waist beads from Yoruba (Woo) 15

Four hunnid billi’, Mansa Musa (Woo) 16

Stroll line to the barbeque 17

Put us any-damn-where, we gon’ make it look cute 18

Pandemic fly on the runway, in my hazmat

Judgin’, runnin’ through the house to my art, all black 19

Ancestors on the wall, let the ghosts chit-chat

(Ancestors on the wall, let the ghosts chit-chat)

Hold my hands, we gon’ pray together

Lay down, face down in the gravel

Woo, wearin’ all attire white to the funeral 20

Black love, we gon’ stay together 21

Curtis Mayfield on the speaker (Woo) 22

Lil’ Malcolm, Martin mixed with Mama Tina (Woo) 23

Need another march, lemme call Tamika (Woo) 24

Need peace and reparation for my people (Woo) 25

Fuck these laid edges, I’ma let it shrivel up (Shrivel up) 26

Fuck this fade and waves, I’ma let it dread all up (Dread all up) 27

Put your fists up in the air, show black love (Show black love) 28

Motherland drip on me, motherland, motherland drip on me

[Chorus]

Honey, come around my way, around my hive

Whenever mama say so, mama say

Here I come on my throne, sittin’ high

Follow my parade, oh, my parade

Talkin’ slick to my folk (My folk), nip that lip like lipo (Lipo)

Hear ’em swarmin’, right? Bees is known to bite

Now here we come on our thrones, sittin’ high

Follow my parade, oh, my parade

[Bridge]

We got rhythm (We got rhythm), we got pride (We got pride)

We birth kings (We birth kings), we birth tribes (We birth tribes)

Holy river (Holy river), holy tongue (Holy tongue)

Speak the glory (Speak the glory), feel the love (Feel the love)

Motherland, motherland drip on me, hey, hey, hey

Motherland, motherland drip on me, hey, hey, hey

I can’t forget my history, it’s her-story

Motherland drip on me, motherland, motherland drip on me

[Chorus]

Honey, come around my way, around my hive (My)

Whenever mama say so (Hey), mama say (Hey, hey)

Here I come on my throne, sittin’ high (High)

Follow my parade, oh, my parade (Hey, hey, hey)

Talkin’ slick to my folk (My folk), nip that lip like lipo (Lipo)

Hear ’em swarmin’, right? Bees is known to bite

Now here we come on our thrones, sittin’ high

Follow my parade, oh, black parade

That’s all folks. You’re welcome. #iamblackandiamproud 

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Children’s Books About Race and Diversity

Please comment below if you know of any other good books about diversity to add to the list. I would recommend that you also read children’s books by diverse authors (not necessarily about race) to expose your children to unfamiliar writers/ writers who don’t look like them.

  1. Sister Anne’s Hands- Marybeth Lorbiecki
  1. Teach Your Dragon about Diversity- Steve Herman
  1. A Kids Book About Racism- Jelani Memory
  1. Separate is Never Equal: Sylvia Mendez and Her Family’s Fight for Desegregation- Duncan Tonatiuh
  1. Shades of People- Shelly Rotner and Sheila Kelly
  1. The Other Side- Jacqueline Woodson
  1.  We are the Change: Words of Inspiration from Civil Rights Leaders- Harry Belafonte
  1. Heart and Soul: The Story of America and African Americans- Kadir Nelson
  1. The Proudest Blue: The Story of Hijab and Family- Ibtihaj Muhammad
  1. Mixed: A Colorful Story- Arree Chung
  1. Not My Idea: A Book About Whiteness (Ordinary Terrible Things)- Anastasia Higginbotham
  1. Ruth and the Green Book- Calvin Alexander Ramsey and Gwen Strauss
  1. All Because You Matter-Tami Charles
  1. Enough! 20 Protesters Who Changed America- Emily Easton
  1. Sit-In: How Four Friends Stood Up by Sitting Down- Andrea Davis Pinkney
  1. God’s Dream- Desmond Tutu and Douglas Carlton Abrams 
  1. Desmond and the Very Mean World- Desmond Tutu
  1. The Arabic Quilt: An Immigrant Story- Aya Khalil
  1. Skin Like Mine (Kids Like Mine)- LaTashia M. Perry
  1. This Is How We Do It: One Day in the Lives of Seven Kids from Around the World- Matt Lamothe
  1. I Am Enough- Grace Byers
  1. Happy in Our Skin Paperback- Fran Manushkin
  1. A Child’s Introduction to African American History: The Experiences, People, and Events That Shaped Our Country- Jabari Asim
  1. Something Happened in Our Town: A Child’s Story About Racial Injustice- Marianne Celano, Marietta Collins, and Ann Hazzard
  2. The Day You Begin- Jacqueline Woodson
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Dear Future Mama

I want to give you the truth about motherhood. Well, at least my truth. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. There are “hallelujah” days. There are “WTF” days. Here are some things you MUST know about this journey:

  1. You will cry. 
  2. You will feel like you’re not a good mom. 
  3. You will question why you decided to have kids.
  4. You will miss your freedom. 
  5. You will eat Cheez-Itz for dinner. 
  6. You will need your village.
  7. You will lose sleep. 
  8. You will spend lots of money. 
  9. You will never take too many pictures or videos.
  10. You will never take “free time” for granted.
  11.  You will cry. 
  12.  You will feel trapped. 
  13. You will put your needs on the backburner. 
  14. You will develop a tolerance for grossness.   
  15. You will learn to expect the unexpected. 
  16. You will stress about what’s for dinner. 
  17. You will scream at the top of your lungs.
  18. You will be burned out. 
  19. You will cry. 
  20. You will curse at the laundry pile.
  21. You will want to run away.
  22. You will go without things that once made you happy. 
  23. You will think you’re not doing motherhood right.
  24. You will need nonjudgmental mama friends.
  25. You will never be the same. 

Did I say that you will cry? To be honest, it’s utterly complicated to be a mother. Depression may kick in, loneliness may settle in your soul, and the walls may feel like they’re caving in. Don’t worry. These things make us stronger. These things make us human. These things make us mothers.

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Want Nice Kids?

Well, raise them that way. If you don’t, they’ll turn into rude ass, entitled adults. And y’all all know one, two, three or 10 of those who you could quite frankly just punch in the throat. 

I had to teach my kids the definition of “brat” at a very early age. I use the word often when they’re acting like no one else in the world matters but them. Or when they don’t want to FaceTime their grandmother because they’re too busy watching the iPad. Or when they complain about cleaning up (when they messed the shit up in the first place.) Or when they say they want the blue bowl instead of the red bowl. Or when they don’t share. Or when they don’t say please and thank you. Or when they’re not a good sport. Or when they don’t care that they’re inconveniencing others. Or when they whine about dumb shit. Or when they snarl about getting clothes for Christmas instead of toys. Or when they don’t get what they asked for within 2 seconds of asking. Or when they can’t have what Johnny-nem have. In these situations, all I’ve had to say is, “You’re acting like a brat right now,” and they know exactly what I mean and how to fix that brat-like behavior. 

I refuse to raise children who are rude to others, unempathetic, and just downright assholes. Like who even wants to be in your presence? Don’t get me wrong, my kids will know how to stand up for themselves when needed. They won’t start no shit, but they will know just how to finish it. I will never tolerate them being a bully and won’t allow them to mistreat anyone without reason. I will call them out on their shit every.single.time. Because no one wants to put up with those types of people. Ever. 

I know. Kids will do and say bratty things, but we have to teach them. When they behave this way, use it as a moment to talk about values and kindness. Kids should feel grateful that you can do and buy things for them, not that they are entitled to them because someone else has them or because they want them.

The best advice I can give for raising nice kids is for you to model kind behavior and be a nice adult. You can’t curse the poor woman at the register because she got your order wrong, you can’t run Grandpa off the road because he’s driving under the speed limit with his hands at 10 and 2. You can’t lose your cool at sporting events. You can’t bark demands at the waitress the moment you sit down. You can’t plop your musty ass down on the airplane with no regard for who you are sharing the row with. Ok. That was petty. But, you just can’t. Because little eyes are watching and little ears are listening. And you’re their example. 

As for me and my house, we will raise grateful kids. Kids who say please and thank you, kids who show appreciation, kids who are okay with getting socks for Christmas, kids who are compassionate, kids who make a difference, kids who stand up for what’s right even when others are doing wrong, kids who are respectful, kids who clean up after themselves, kids who don’t chew like a cow when eating, kids who have values and morals, kids who are just overall good citizens. 

But please don’t take their kindness for weakness. Because they will also be taught how to stand up for themselves and how to say, “Gon’ on, ‘cause I ain’t the one.” And then throw some hands if needed- only if needed. #loversnotfighters #raisenicekids

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We Need to Talk

How many times have you heard these words? How did they make you feel? Like you were in trouble? Like you’d done something wrong? Scared? Anxious? 

Have you ever said these words to someone, and they answered with, “Yes! I’d love to talk. I’ve been waiting for this moment.” Probably not. Because when these words are said, something pleasant rarely ever follows. Most times when you say, “We need to talk,” or when someone says it to you, you want them to listen; they want you to listen. 

These four words signal someone to believe that something is serious. I know when I say them to Ben, it’s always something going on that I’m not satisfied with. Truthfully, it seems that these words are only used when there’s a problem. 

So how about we try a different approach the next time you need to talk to someone. Flat out say what you want to talk about. Say we need to talk about what you said to me at dinner, we need to talk about how you can help more around the house, we need to talk about how you kept using my Netflix account after I logged in at your house for movie night. It could be about whatever! Just talk- without even prefacing the conversation with those anxiety-inducing four words. 

Have the decency to give the person a concrete point to reflect on. Otherwise, they waste time and nerves by reviewing every single thing they’ve said or done since birth that could have possibly offended you. The “we need to talk” and then leaving them hanging never really helps the situation. Try this new approach. Do it today if something is bothering you. #getitoffyourchest

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My Husband Doesn’t Complete Me

Does that sound alarming? Maybe. But you should know that I was complete before I even met him. This is a PSA for those of you who are still in search of your “other half.” Before you find that person, make sure that you are complete. Adding someone to the equation will not make you whole. You have to love yourself, respect yourself, be content with yourself, and marry your damn self before bringing someone else into the picture. 

You don’t know how many times I’ve read wedding stories that include, “he/she just completes me.” So…you were half a person this whole time? Were you just roaming around this here Earth with a piece of yourself missing? How does that work? This cliche phrase sounds cute. It’s what society teaches us. What we should really be saying is that our spouse complements us, not completes us. Well, unless of course, you felt like half a person before your spouse came along. 

In my honest opinion, I think it’s pretty scary to say that someone else completes you. It implies that you’re needy, dependent and reliant.  Are you not fully formed without the existence of this other person? 

Yes, my husband and I share interests, but we are also opposites on so many things. And that’s OK. I take pride in my independence. I have my own passions, hobbies, friends, etc. We are two whole people who had satisfying lives before we met. Have our lives been enriched and more enjoyable together? Definitely! But what’s important is that we both possess a solid sense of self, which is what makes us so strong as a unit. I love Ben to the core. He loves me, irritates me, challenges me, accepts my flaws, teaches me patience, and supports me. Despite all of this, he doesn’t complete me, and I thank God that he wasn’t created for that. He is human, and at any point, he can fail me. Why? Because we’re all flawed.

Don’t expect your spouse to carry the burden of completing you. Let him/her be the one you share your joy, peace and hope with, not the one who’s the source of your joy, peace and hope. That’s God’s job. 

What are your thoughts? Does your spouse “complete” you?

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Parenting During COVID-19

I’ve seen several news headlines stating that child abuse cases have increased since COVID-19. We all know- kids are home, parents have turned into teachers overnight, and we are stressed. Don’t let these tough times get the best of you. 

The next few days, weeks, hell, maybe even months will definitely be challenging. It’s new for everyone. But I am urging you to not lose your marbles, Mama (and Daddy.) We will get through this. 

Life frequently throws us situations. This is one of those times. During this time, don’t overwork yourself trying to do it all. You are allowed to do what you need to do to just get by. Times right now are hard enough as it is. Don’t allow anyone on social media to dictate what you should be doing. Some parents are going overboard with crafty Pinterest activities, state of the art Science experiments and to-die-for DIY projects. If you’re too tired to do that, just hug your child. Watch a movie. Play a family board game. #dasit

Maybe during this time you’re stressed about having to teach your child through the 5,000 resources the teacher has provided. It’s too many directions, too many websites, too many activities, etc. I say to you, just breathe. Take it a day at a time. Hell, my son didn’t start on his online assignments until a few days after he was supposed to. That is how I stay sane. I refuse to overwork myself and get frustrated. 

I know you want to do your best. But right now, your best is exhausting- so much has been added to your plate. How about just do what you can- go to sleep, wake up tomorrow and do it again. At this point, it’s all about staying afloat. You shouldn’t be trying to win an award for “Parent of the Year.” As you know, I am an educator. This “online learning” has been the hardest thing for me. And if I’m feeling this way, I can only imagine how parents are feeling who don’t have an education background! Let me pause and take this moment to thank all of the professional homeschool parents for giving amazing tips and tricks on how we fake homeschool parents can cope during this time. Y’all are the real MVPs. 

I want to put some things into perspective. When a professional baseball player steps up to the bat, he sometimes swings and misses. That’s how life is right now. Your swings may be off, causing you to miss. However, the most important thing is that you don’t stop swinging. We (adults) will remember what a terrible time this has been. But think about what our kids will remember- spending more time together as a family, sleeping in, delicious home-cooked meals, game nights, being in their pajamas all day, binge-watching Frozen II, etc. Let’s make the best of these times.

Your reaction to what’s going on in the world outside of your home will make the biggest impact on your family. Don’t be anxious, don’t fear, don’t panic. Instead- love more, hug more, read your Bible more, teach more life lessons, etc. It’s not our golden hour; let’s agree to be okay with that.

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In-Laws or In-Loves?

Ya’ll, it’s true. When you marry your spouse, you really marry his/her whole family. That’s a given. Let’s just face it, in-laws can make or break your marriage whether you believe it or not. I am in several wife and mom groups on Facebook, and ooooohhhh chile, the amount of drama some people post about their in-laws is too much to even tell Jesus about. I literally sometimes grab my phone, sit down with a stiff drink and my favorite snack and just “enjoy the show.” As I read through some of the comments, the whole time, I’m thinking to myself, “Oh no, she didn’t!” or “She needs to be slapped!” or “Really? Your sister-in-law said or did that to you?!” 

I’m not making light of people who have dreadful in-law situations, but I just really can’t relate. My in-laws are my in-loves. Blood could not make us closer. I like them. I actually enjoy family outings and vacations. I love their company. I value their opinion. I like having them around. 

Why? Simply because:

  • They don’t get in our business because they have satisfying lives of their own. 
  • They don’t ask Ben to keep secrets from me.
  • They support me. 
  • They don’t think Ben is perfect. 
  • They don’t show up to my house unannounced.
  • They don’t criticize me or make me feel less than who I am.
  • They don’t compare me. 
  • They don’t tell me how to run my house. 
  • They motivate and encourage me. 
  • They understand boundaries. 
  • They don’t try to fix what they may deem as broken. 
  • They are not judgy assholes.
  • They don’t impose themselves.
  • They’re helpful. 
  • They don’t challenge or critique my parenting methods.
  • They tell me I’m doing a good job even when I feel like I’m the shittiest mom ever.  
  • They will babysit at the drop of a dime and for FREE- I don’t think you read that with enough emphasis! FREEEEEEEEE, ya’ll. 

I could honestly go on and on about the greatness of my in-laws. I’m not saying any of this to brag. This is just more of a realization of how blessed I truly am. I think the most important thing to take away from this is that all of the above is reciprocal. I respect them and treat them as such. If Ben decides he’s going to up and leave me for some floozy today, I can guar-an-damn-tee you I will be at the family function tomorrow looking fine af and unbothered. 

I get that some of us aren’t as lucky to score awesome in-laws. It’s just something about you marrying their beloved son/daughter or brother/sister that just brings out the bat shit crazy in them. But that ain’t my story. 

I’m grateful that I haven’t had the horrible in-law experience, and I pray that if you have been through this or are going through this, that you’ll fight to build or rebuild that relationship. After all, your in-laws are important to your spouse. It’s up to both of you to find ways to foster a healthy relationship. This way- everyone wins.