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I’m a Nag, and I’m Okay With That

Let’s talk about home dynamics. What are they like for you? Does everyone have a role? I’d imagine so. At least, that’s what it’s like in my house. There’s a peacemaker, a jokester, a troublemaker, a rebel and then there’s me- the nag. And guess what- quite frankly, I don’t care that I am seen as such. So yeah- my name is Shalesha, I’m the house nag and idgaf because my nagging ass makes sure shit gets done.

Sure, I’d like to be seen as the fun, playful parent- the one who is like a bestie. But I know that ain’t my job; I know my role. My job is simple; I make things happen. Pretty much everything I do revolves around the people who live in my house. I go to bed with 101 things on my mind and wake up with 15 more to add to the list. I’d like to look fancy and glorious while doing these things, but with so much on the list, I think that’s impossible. Unfortunately, I don’t have any special superpowers, but my nagging always saves the day. I can hound and pester like nobody’s business.

What does my nagging accomplish?

  • My kids care about others and are empathetic. 
  • They get to visit the treasure chest for completing their reading log/homework. 
  • Their room doesn’t look like it’s been hit by a tornado. 
  • They can find things easily. 
  • They don’t have cavities.
  • They are learning responsibility.
  • They’re problem solvers. 
  • They’re successful at given tasks. 
  • They get their daily serving of fruits and veggies. 
  • Their expectations are high.
  • They’re hydrated. 
  • Their projects are turned in on time. 
  • They’re learning not to give up easily. 
  • Their breath doesn’t stink.
  • They treat people right.
  • They’re building integrity. 
  • They have sportsmanship.
  • They understand the concept of ‘win some, lose some’ and they’re okay with that. 
  • They’re not musty.
  • Their bathroom doesn’t smell like piss. 
  • Their backpack is packed with everything they need for class.

There’s so much more that I could add to the list. Ultimately, I believe our kids are better because we nag, so don’t stop, Mama. Don’t worry about the heavy sighs or eye rolls you get.  Ignore them kids mumbling under their breath. Don’t be hurt or take offense if you hear them say, “I hate you.” They don’t. Do what you have to do to make sure everyone’s day runs like a well oiled machine. In other words- nag away!  

Through it all, shit will get done. You’re welcome, Kids. We love you. 

P.S. Maybe a wife nag version of this is coming soon, ‘cause whew chile, I know I nag the hell out of Ben.  

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The Stiffest Competition

Let’s admit it, Mamas. Motherhood is nothing but a competition. Homeschool mamas, stay-at-home mamas, work-from-home mamas, full-time job mamas- whatever type of mama you are, you better believe #issacompetition.

From the moment a mama gives birth and posts her first picture from the hospital, here we go with something to say.  ‘Why is she wearing so much makeup?” “She looks awful. Why didn’t she put on makeup?” “Why didn’t she comb her hair?” “Why didn’t she get a custom made outfit for the baby?” Give me a break; the damn lady just had a baby, ya’ll. Honestly, all she wants to do is bask in the joy of being a new mother. 

As far as I know, dads aren’t like this- there’s no competition to be the “best dad,” no animosity, no inner struggle- nothing. 

So…why are mamas like this? The funny thing about this competition is that most of the time it’s all in our heads; it’s imaginary. We make the shit up. We see what another mama is doing, and we turn it into an attack on our own performance as a mama. It’s not, ya’ll. Just stop it.

What one mama does is not about you! Believe me- mamas who post on social media about the cool things they’re doing at home with their kiddos (science experiments, homemade learning activities, arts and crafts, etc.) are not posting to make you feel like a bad mother. They’re not thinking, “You know? I’m going to post all of these amazing things that I am doing with my kids so other mamas can feel bad about not doing it with their kids.” Chances are- she’s doing these things with her kids because her kids enjoy it; she enjoys it. Or maybe she’s doing it to keep the kids from tearing up the house, writing on the walls, and fighting each other. 

Who cares if another mama makes her own baby food? You’re not a bad mama if you don’t. Hell, your baby is eating, right?

Who cares if a mama makes moons and stars out of her kids’ peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?

Who cares if a mama has purchased all of her kids’ Christmas gifts by August? Santa is still coming on Christmas Eve, right?

Who cares if a mama gets her kids to eat vegetables without having to disguise them? Throw some kale and spinach in a fruit smoothie and move on! 

Who cares if a mama washes, folds and puts away laundry all in one day? Your kids have clean ‘draws’ even if their balled up in the basket, right? 

Who cares if a mama spends her precious time sewing her kids’ Halloween costumes? Save some time, and buy that shit on Amazon! (Gosh, I love Amazon!)

Who cares if a mama makes/buys custom outfits each holiday for her kids? Your child has clothes to wear, right?

Who cares if a mama of multiples has her house spotless each time you come over? Teach them kids to clean, Sis. Err-body needs chores. 

So all of that to say that I trust that most women do what they do and operate their household as they please without deliberately trying to make other mamas feel like less of a mother. We’re all doing our very best, and guess what? Our best is good enough.

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Invite Us, But We’re Probably Not Coming

Most of our weekends are packed and eventful. The ones I love most include spending time together as a family and not having to divide and conquer to make this birthday party, that baby shower, that engagement party, that baptism, etc. Recently, I was doing my nightly social media scroll while laying in bed. I came across pictures of a few of my high school friends hanging out and having a great time for someone’s birthday. I suddenly felt sad. I’m fun too, you know?! Why didn’t anyone tell me? Was I not cool enough to be invited? Had I said no too many times, and they’d just thought I wouldn’t come anyway? Idk, but my joy was shot just looking through the pictures and videos of everyone laughing, dancing, and enjoying the night. I mean, I couldn’t have gone anyway, but I would have at least liked to be invited. 

I’ll say it. I want to be included in everything; I want my kids to be included in everything. But deep down I’m literally stressed because we are already overscheduled and overbooked for events and can’t fit anything else on our calendars if we tried. But you’ve heard the saying, “It’s the thought that counts.” That truly is the case here, and I must admit, everytime I see or hear about events that we weren’t invited to, it stings a bit each time. It’s a serious case of FOMO. 

When I get this feeling, I have to give myself a reality check and think rationally. I know I’m not being left out intentionally. These people are doing exactly what I’m doing- focusing their time and energy on the ones who are closest to them and who they care the most about. They ain’t thinking about me! So what does it even matter if I’m missing all the other events if, in return, I’m getting to spend time with the ones who I love the most- the ones who share the same sentiments toward me?  

Even though I am able to rationalize and realize these facts, being “left out” still is an undesirable feeling. I think it’s human instinct to want to be included. However,  you need to understand that your inclusion isn’t guaranteed every time. Continue to focus on spending time with those who love you the most, and err on the side believing that true friendships don’t rely on you being invited to every event in that person’s life. Hell, it doesn’t even depend on having regular phone conversations. 

I hope my friends will continue to invite me to their functions. I mean, I think I’m busy that day anyway, but I’d still like the cute invitation. 

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To Those Without Kids

When I started working as a teacher ten years ago, I didn’t have any kids nor was I married. Talk about time on my hands! I was always the first one in the building and the last one to leave. I was afforded that luxury since all I had to do was worry about myself. The education world is predominantly female, so I worked with a lot of mamas- superwoman ass mamas.  Many times I saw these women come in with their hair standing on top of their heads, coffee spilled on their shirt, and their makeup half applied. And there I stood judging them and thinking, “Did you not even look in the mirror?” “Did you even try when you got dressed this morning?” “WTF are you even wearing?” I never realized the war zone they’d just battled at home- getting children dressed, preparing lunches, side-eyeing their ‘attitudy’ teenager, signing last-minute papers for school, etc. Being a mom, let alone a working mom, is something no woman will ever understand until she becomes a mother herself. 

She’ll never understand why you have 85 of your kids’  “artwork” pieces displayed in your office. 

She’ll never understand the guilt you feel because you’re working while you forced your sick child to go to school.

She’ll never understand that when you rush out of the door at 5:00 on the dot that you’re headed to your second full time job- doing mom shit. 

She’ll never understand the peace you get when you are allowed to go to the restroom and have the door remain closed. 

She’ll never understand why you are practically peeling your eyelids open after being up with a crying baby all night.

She’ll never understand that you can’t attend happy hour with her as often as you’d like because you have to go home to cook dinner and help with homework.

She’ll never understand why you can’t come to her frequent late night party events. Doesn’t she know that your kids have schedules and bedtimes? 

She’ll never understand the struggle of balancing work and home life. WTF is that? 

She’ll never understand how you can still function with your energy gas tank on E. #momsohard

She’ll never understand auditioning for The Matrix several times a week when trying to escape a sleeping toddler’s bed. 

She’ll never understand the feeling of just cleaning the floor, and all of a sudden Dad or an older sibling gives the youngest kid crackers. Ya’ll- talk about a way to make me go crazy- like straight jacket crazy. 

She’ll never understand the pain of stepping on small toys that you’ve already asked 1,056 times to be picked up.

She’ll never understand the frustration of issuing instructions then loudly repeating those same instructions followed by threats. 

She’ll never understand the way you fantasize about being alone- for just five damn minutes. 

She’ll never understand the drama that you have to listen to every day that’s not even worth your energy. “Mom, you gave her more ice cream than me!” “He took my ball!” “She told me I’m not her brother anymore!” Just ridiculous ass drama that no mama has time for, but of course, we’re forced to have time for it. 

The bottom line is that moms are responsible for a lot of shit. Sometimes said shit is the impossible. So instead of talking about how crazy and frazzled we look, help us. Just help us.

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Mom Smarter, Not Harder

“That was a piece of cake,” said no mom ever. Momming is tough. Some days I find myself crying in the closet, eating goldfish for dinner, and whispering WTF to myself hourly. I’ve come across some great “mom hacks” that have kept my insanity at bay. I’m hoping they can help you too, Mama.

  1. Keep a blanket/extra jackets in the car.
  2. Set a timer for e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g!
  3. Donate toys regularly- make them disappear if they haven’t been touched in three months.
  4. Use a grocery pick-up service.
  5. Layer two fitted sheets and two waterproof mattress pads on your child’s bed. Pee in the bed? Throw up in the bed? Spill snacks/juice in the bed that you told them not to have in their room in the first place? No worries- pull off the top two layers and move on about your business!
  6. Always have a change of clothes per child (mostly for kids under five).
  7. Meal prep.
  8. Teach your child to do for themselves, and don’t panic when they don’t do it your way. Practice makes perfect, remember?
  9. Plan outfits for the week on Sunday and put them within arm’s reach for your child to grab.
  10. Wake up before your children. Use this time to get things done or to simply leisurely read while drinking your coffee.
  11. Put a selection of healthy snacks in a place your child can reach.
  12. Keep the diaper bag packed and ready at all times.
  13. Keep a portable potty in the car. No restroom at the soccer field? No problem.
  14. Prepare lunches/backpacks/items needed for school the night before.
  15. Stick to a schedule.
  16. Create chore checklists.
  17. Keep a trashcan/container in the car.
  18. Attach cupcake holders to the bottom of popsicle sticks to catch the dreadful drip.
  19. Wash and sanitize toys in the dishwasher.
  20. Embrace the chaos!


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Teaching Your Child to Read

If ya’ll don’t hear me say anything else- hear this. You, yes YOU, need to work with your child at home. Don’t leave it all up to the teacher. Hell, believe it or not, she’s lowkey counting on you.

Trust me! I know that teaching a child to read seems like an impossible task, but I’m going to need you to use that same energy that you spend watching The Handmaid’s Tale, Power, and Queen Sugar to “sat down at the kitchen table with your child and help with that lesson.” Does that sound like your grandmother talking?

Teaching your child to read is going to take some time- not all of your time, but some. You know Rome wasn’t built in…I know you can finish the rest. This task is something that will require patience, commitment, and cursing under your breath- a lot.

I taught my now six-year-old son to read when he was three by using this amazing step-by-step resource (No, I am not getting paid to promote this.) All it took was 20 minutes out of my day. I set a timer, went through a lesson, and closed the book. That’s it. By Lesson 41, he was reading. I am not saying that this is THE resource for teaching your child to read, but it worked for me. The real test will be whether my less attentive four-year-old daughter will be successful with this method. And if she isn’t, that’s okay. We’ve all heard the saying, “Every child can learn- just not on the same day or in the same way.”

I know you’re probably wondering, “How can I help at home?” Glad you asked. Here are some of my recommendations. Take them or leave them- your choice.

  • Have conversations with your children- even if they’re babies. You may think it’s silly to talk to a baby, but reading is a language activity. If anyone wants to learn a language, they need to hear it first. Then, eventually, speak it. Literacy skills are developed by exposing children to a variety of words; this is done mostly through conversation- real conversation. Time to eighty-six that goo-goo, gah-gah shit.
  • Make reading a regular activity in your home by reading to your child or having your child read to you. Tip: To do this, cut out 30 minutes of scrolling through your social media accounts.
  • Your child needs to understand how words work- their spoken parts and the sounds that letters/letter blends make. In case you’re feeling fancy, this concept is called phonological and phonemic awareness in the education world. You’ll know your child has a grasp on phonological awareness if he/she can clap out word syllables, recognize rhyming words or come up with words that have the same beginning and ending sound. If your child can blend (put together) and segment (break apart) words, they have phonemic awareness. To work on blending, have your child listen to the individual sounds of a word. For example b-a-g, ch-in, bl-a-st, etc. They should be able to blend the word together and say it. To work on segmenting, have your child break apart the words. Say the word, and have them tell you which sounds they hear. If you say dish, they should be able to say d-i-sh.
  • Listen to your child read and ask questions about what they’re reading. Comprehension is a key part of reading. A child’s reading level is not only based on their fluency but their understanding of the text as well. Here is a list of questions that you can ask your child after a reading selection. Make sure to ask the appropriate questions based on the genre (fiction or nonfiction) of the text.

Remember to be patient, stay committed and curse a lot. Good luck, Mama!

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Supa Tired

“Feeling okay, Babe?” I hear my husband ask. I stop and consider how I should answer this question. I don’t want to sound like I’m nagging, so I lie and answer, “Feeling great!” That was far from the truth; I was tired-supa tired.

Often times we see posts blasted about self-care and how everyone needs it, but honestly, I don’t think self-care is enough- not for a mama, at least. An hour massage won’t steer away mommy worries, an uninterrupted bubble bath won’t ease our mind of the overflowing laundry, and a girls’ night out surely won’t fully recharge our batteries. The truth of the matter is that we’ll always probably feel this way. Why? Because society has created this culture-induced stigma that mamas should do it all. Hence, we are supa tired. 

We are supa tired of reading about how we are a bad mom if we don’t buy all-natural products for our kids and our household. 

We are supa tired of browsing social media and being left with the feeling that we aren’t doing enough. 

We are supa tired because we had to return to work  12 weeks after having a baby. And to be honest, hell, most of us didn’t even get that.

We are supa tired of others’ mom-shaming comments about how “breast is best” when they see us giving our baby formula. I just really want to scream, “Bih, it doesn’t even matter. The baby is eating, right?!”

We are supa tired because every time we walk past a mirror, we are reminded of the baby weight we have yet to lose.  Mamas want to look like IG models, too!

We are supa tired because we have learned to give to everyone else and yet leave nothing for ourselves. 

We are supa tired of family members constantly chiming in and giving advice on how to raise OUR kids. This ain’t 1978, people. Times have changed.

We are supa tired because we are thinking about the ever-growing to-do list. Can somebody say, “Preach Sista Smith?!”

We are supa tired because we’ve read the studies about how too much screen time can harm our children, but dammit, how else are we going to prepare a decent dinner? 

We are supa tired of trying to figure out how to be a mom and a sexy wife at the same damn time.  Has anyone figured that out yet?

The list goes on, but mamas, I hope that you understand that you’re not doing anything wrong. Mom life is quite frankly just tough. The important thing that you should realize is that it’s ok to ask for help. Be honest about how you feel. Don’t continue to buy into the idea that you have to be the “perfect'” wife and mother. Keep your head high, and let your guard down a little, Mama. You’re worth your sanity.