Category: Motherhood

We’ve finally got a good groove of chores around the Smith camp, and I couldn’t be happier, ‘cause Honey, I was this close (put your index finger and thumb finger as close as you possibly can without touching) to throwing up baskets of laundry in the middle of the floor and screaming, “Someone help me, dammit!” It’s been rough y’all. With me back working full time, I’ve really not been able to keep all my eggs in one basket. 

In the wee hours of the morning a few weeks ago, I asked myself, ‘What can I do to make these kids more accountable for helping around the house?’ I searched apps and came across “Chore Hero.” Y’all, it’s been my best friend, and the kids love it,  too. They can come home, grab their device and see the chores that have been assigned to them for the day. They can click them when they’re done. I have the option to reward them however I like, and they can redeem their points for their rewards. It’s pure genius! And it’s free. I didn’t come here to promote Chore Hero, but I came here to say that I almost lost my eggs again when Quinn asked me why I don’t pay them to do chores. Y’all, I went real black mama on him. “You stay in this house for free don’t you? You eat up my groceries for free don’t you? Period Pooh!” 

I honestly don’t think I’ll ever pay my kids to do chores. Nah. Not me. Why?

-Because they need to know that we are a team. Mama isn’t the only one around here who messes up the house. We all need to do our part to make life easier for everyone. 

-Because they need to know that you shouldn’t always expect a reward when you do things that you’re supposed to do. Do it because it’s an expectation, not because you’re seeking a reward. I won’t pay for good behavior and obedience. 

-Because they’ll grow to have families of their own, and their spouses will not talk about the mother-in-law from hell who didn’t teach her kids how to clean up and take care of a house. 

-Because Ben and I reward them in other ways. Typically, whatever our kids want, our kids get, and we remind them that their wants and needs are not even in the closest way an even exchange for them doing their chores. 

-Because I don’t want them to feel entitled. Cleaning up after yourself and knowing how to clean up a mess are both basic skills. They won’t walk away from any table expecting that someone will clean behind them. We even clean up the table at restaurants before we leave. It’s common courtesy. 

-Because I want them to have a sense of pride and be intrinsically motivated to do things and expect Nathaniel in return. (Nathaniel is a black mama’s way of saying nothing).

-Because they can earn money by doing extraordinary things- giving their old clothes and toys to charity, helping an elderly neighbor by watering her grass, etc.  

I get it that some families really want to teach their children the values of work that’s tied to money or the concept that if you work, you earn money. However, the most important thing for me to teach my kids is that being a part of the family and helping each other is the most important thing. 

So, yeah. That’s it. In a nutshell, this mama is not paying her kids to clean up a house that they live in and are the sole culprits of messing up. Well, them and the dog that they begged for, but that’s another post for another day.

Today is the day that I will admit to the world that I’m a mean mom. There, I said it. Does that shock you? Eh, maybe. Sometimes I sit and reflect about how crappy of a mom I was that day, that week, or hell, just five minutes ago. Sometimes I’m in tears talking to my husband about how shitty I’ve made the kids feel after scolding them about something. He always assures me that it’s okay and that the kids love me just the same- if not more. On days when I am feeling like the world’s worst mom, I comfort myself with subtle reassurances that tomorrow is a new day; I’ll get a fresh start. Sometimes, I nail the day, but unfortunately, sometimes the day nails me. 

I know that I need to exercise more patience, stop the excessive yelling, and just simply let my kids be kids- even if it entails putting each other in a chokehold, jumping from the top bunk bed, or having a real life WWE match right in the middle of the living room. But I just can’t, y’all. There are things that I’m just flat out mean about, and I won’t break or bend on these things. 

1. They have to clean up. It’s just that simple. I didn’t make the mess, so I WILL NOT be cleaning it up. I’m sorry that you can’t go outside or move on to the next activity if you haven’t cleaned up. I’m sorry if you’re in the middle of playing Roblox, but please come get these shoes and clothes that you left in the middle of the floor and place them where they need to go. Everything in my house has its place, and my kids know that everything must be in its place. Oh, and I’m not paying you to clean up. That’s your job. Period.

2. If I say you have one more chance to mess up, that’s it. You have one more chance. I’ve been so guilty of saying that the kids will have consequences if they do this or that, but I actually won’t follow through with the consequence. Case in point- don’t we always tell our kids that we are going to take their TV privileges or devices away if they do such and such one more time? How long does that last? I typically give in about day 2, ‘cause honestly, I just need some peace when I’m cooking, so hell, here’s the iPad. Not anymore. When I say you have one more chance, that’s it. You will get the consequence that’s promised to you. If you do the crime, you do the time. It’s simple. Following through is important for kids. They need to know what the boundaries are and that there are consequences for overstepping them. 

3. My kitchen is not a restaurant, so you will eat what I cook. If you don’t like broccoli, then pick it out or eat around it. If you don’t want to eat the bell peppers that I used to help season what’s on the menu, then don’t. If the meal is really just not to your liking, I’ll make you a sandwich or you can have a lunchable. I enjoy cooking but not enough to make everyone’s meals made to order. You’ve heard it before. This ain’t Burger King, Boo. 

4. I like playing with my kids, but I am not always going to play with them when they want me to. That sounds pretty mean, huh? Don’t get me wrong, we love doing fun activities, being crafty, filming crazy videos, etc. but sometimes I just don’t want to play, so I say no. And that’s okay. I want my kids to understand that while most of my life revolves around them, I am not catering to them 100% of the time. I still need time to AND for myself. Everyone, even them, is allowed to have boundaries. They need to know that I sometimes need a break, and they should respect that- just as anyone should respect them when they’re not feeling up for playing.  

5. They have to take responsibility for their actions. Playing in the house after I told you not to, and now something is broken? That’s okay. You will use your money to replace it (or have some type of consequence if said item is too expensive for them to replace).  If you forget your homework once, fine. I’ll bring it. But good luck next time; you’ll just have to get those points deducted. True story, y’all- Quinn forgot his lunch kit in the car for the second time in one week; he literally cried because he knew I wasn’t going to bring it to him. He even had the receptionist call me to ask. Nope. Sorry, Buddy. He didn’t die, but he probably thought he was going to since he had to eat school lunch. Oh well. 

So, there you have it, World. All of my mean-mom tendencies have been laid out. I understand why my mom was the way she was, and I hope my kids will one day understand that my meanness and discipline is all love. I’m training them up to be responsible and decent humans. This mean-mom badge is worn happily with a smile, ‘cause these kids gon’ learn today. Actually- they gon’ learn for life.

This is a question that I get asked a lot. I know I see Demi as a doctor because she’s so loving and caring. I see Quinn as some type of artist or chef because he’s creative and loves to be in the kitchen when any meal is being prepared. I’m not quite sure about Max. But him being a lawyer sounds nice and pristine. Surely it’d be incredible if he was a CEO of some multimillion dollar company. But is it really about what profession I (emphasis on I) want my kids to pursue? 

No, so I’ve learned to answer that question a little differently when people ask me what I want my kids to be when they grow up. “Happy,” is simply my response. Because after all, it’s not my job to push any profession, any of my desires, any of my hopes, any of my dreams and wishes on my children.   

Of course with happiness, I want my kids to be respectful, kind, compassionate, loving, etc, but I think that comes with happiness. After all, those who are truly happy aren’t selfish, deceitful individuals. 

I can’t imagine that there’s any parent out there who doesn’t want their child to be happy. I do believe that parents have the tendency to push their kids to fit inside of a boxed idea of what their happiness is. And this, my friends, ends up being the very thing that stands in the way of kids pursuing their passions. I know. It’s hard not to force your success expectations on your kids.But I’ve seen kids who were pushed in a direction that they never wanted to go in the first place grow up to hold grudges toward or even resent their parents. 

Don’t get me wrong. Parents should push their kids. Push them to be intrinsically motivated. Push them to be dedicated to everything. Push them to try their hardest. Push them to be tenacious and have perseverance. But do it in a way that encourages and strengthens things that THEY actually want to do. 

So mamas (and daddies, ‘cause I know how y’all can get with sports thinking your child will be the next Michal Jordan or Deshaun Watson), let’s consciously make efforts to release our own selfish and ego-driven expectations. Support your kids through whatever path of happiness they choose to take. Offer encouragement, guidance and love along the way. It’s not about what YOU want. 

As my kids grow, I will continue to foster things that they are interested in. Right now it’s soccer and baseball for Quinn, it’s soccer and gymnastics for Demi (even though she wasted my time and money with gymnastics) and for Max, well, he just gets in where he fits in, but I’m ready to nurture all of the things he loves. From now until I leave this Earth, “happy” is my response to those who ask what I want my kids to be when they grow up, and that’s that. 

I want to give you the truth about motherhood. Well, at least my truth. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. There are “hallelujah” days. There are “WTF” days. Here are some things you MUST know about this journey:

1. You will cry. 
2. You will feel like you’re not a good mom. 
3. You will question why you decided to have kids.
4. You will miss your freedom. 
5. You will eat Cheez-Itz for dinner. 
6. You will need your village.
7. You will lose sleep. 
8. You will spend lots of money. 
9. You will never take too many pictures or videos.
10. You will never take “free time” for granted.
11.  You will cry. 
12.  You will feel trapped. 
13. You will put your needs on the backburner. 
14. You will develop a tolerance for grossness.   
15. You will learn to expect the unexpected. 
16. You will stress about what’s for dinner. 
17. You will scream at the top of your lungs.
18. You will be burned out. 
19. You will cry. 
20. You will curse at the laundry pile.
21. You will want to run away.
22. You will go without things that once made you happy. 
23. You will think you’re not doing motherhood right.
24. You will need nonjudgmental mama friends.
25. You will never be the same. 

Did I say that you will cry? To be honest, it’s utterly complicated to be a mother. Depression may kick in, loneliness may settle in your soul, and the walls may feel like they’re caving in. Don’t worry. These things make us stronger. These things make us human. These things make us mothers.

Well, raise them that way. If you don’t, they’ll turn into rude ass, entitled adults. And y’all all know one, two, three or 10 of those who you could quite frankly just punch in the throat. 

I had to teach my kids the definition of “brat” at a very early age. I use the word often when they’re acting like no one else in the world matters but them. Or when they don’t want to FaceTime their grandmother because they’re too busy watching the iPad. Or when they complain about cleaning up (when they messed the shit up in the first place.) Or when they say they want the blue bowl instead of the red bowl. Or when they don’t share. Or when they don’t say please and thank you. Or when they’re not a good sport. Or when they don’t care that they’re inconveniencing others. Or when they whine about dumb shit. Or when they snarl about getting clothes for Christmas instead of toys. Or when they don’t get what they asked for within 2 seconds of asking. Or when they can’t have what Johnny-nem have. In these situations, all I’ve had to say is, “You’re acting like a brat right now,” and they know exactly what I mean and how to fix that brat-like behavior. 

I refuse to raise children who are rude to others, unempathetic, and just downright assholes. Like who even wants to be in your presence? Don’t get me wrong, my kids will know how to stand up for themselves when needed. They won’t start no shit, but they will know just how to finish it. I will never tolerate them being a bully and won’t allow them to mistreat anyone without reason. I will call them out on their shit every.single.time. Because no one wants to put up with those types of people. Ever. 

I know. Kids will do and say bratty things, but we have to teach them. When they behave this way, use it as a moment to talk about values and kindness. Kids should feel grateful that you can do and buy things for them, not that they are entitled to them because someone else has them or because they want them.

The best advice I can give for raising nice kids is for you to model kind behavior and be a nice adult. You can’t curse the poor woman at the register because she got your order wrong, you can’t run Grandpa off the road because he’s driving under the speed limit with his hands at 10 and 2. You can’t lose your cool at sporting events. You can’t bark demands at the waitress the moment you sit down. You can’t plop your musty ass down on the airplane with no regard for who you are sharing the row with. Ok. That was petty. But, you just can’t. Because little eyes are watching and little ears are listening. And you’re their example. 

As for me and my house, we will raise grateful kids. Kids who say please and thank you, kids who show appreciation, kids who are okay with getting socks for Christmas, kids who are compassionate, kids who make a difference, kids who stand up for what’s right even when others are doing wrong, kids who are respectful, kids who clean up after themselves, kids who don’t chew like a cow when eating, kids who have values and morals, kids who are just overall good citizens. 

But please don’t take their kindness for weakness. Because they will also be taught how to stand up for themselves and how to say, “Gon’ on, ‘cause I ain’t the one.” And then throw some hands if needed- only if needed. #loversnotfighters #raisenicekids

I’ve seen several news headlines stating that child abuse cases have increased since COVID-19. We all know- kids are home, parents have turned into teachers overnight, and we are stressed. Don’t let these tough times get the best of you. 

The next few days, weeks, hell, maybe even months will definitely be challenging. It’s new for everyone. But I am urging you to not lose your marbles, Mama (and Daddy.) We will get through this. 

Life frequently throws us situations. This is one of those times. During this time, don’t overwork yourself trying to do it all. You are allowed to do what you need to do to just get by. Times right now are hard enough as it is. Don’t allow anyone on social media to dictate what you should be doing. Some parents are going overboard with crafty Pinterest activities, state of the art Science experiments and to-die-for DIY projects. If you’re too tired to do that, just hug your child. Watch a movie. Play a family board game. #dasit

Maybe during this time you’re stressed about having to teach your child through the 5,000 resources the teacher has provided. It’s too many directions, too many websites, too many activities, etc. I say to you, just breathe. Take it a day at a time. Hell, my son didn’t start on his online assignments until a few days after he was supposed to. That is how I stay sane. I refuse to overwork myself and get frustrated. 

I know you want to do your best. But right now, your best is exhausting- so much has been added to your plate. How about just do what you can- go to sleep, wake up tomorrow and do it again. At this point, it’s all about staying afloat. You shouldn’t be trying to win an award for “Parent of the Year.” As you know, I am an educator. This “online learning” has been the hardest thing for me. And if I’m feeling this way, I can only imagine how parents are feeling who don’t have an education background! Let me pause and take this moment to thank all of the professional homeschool parents for giving amazing tips and tricks on how we fake homeschool parents can cope during this time. Y’all are the real MVPs. 

I want to put some things into perspective. When a professional baseball player steps up to the bat, he sometimes swings and misses. That’s how life is right now. Your swings may be off, causing you to miss. However, the most important thing is that you don’t stop swinging. We (adults) will remember what a terrible time this has been. But think about what our kids will remember- spending more time together as a family, sleeping in, delicious home-cooked meals, game nights, being in their pajamas all day, binge-watching Frozen II, etc. Let’s make the best of these times.

Your reaction to what’s going on in the world outside of your home will make the biggest impact on your family. Don’t be anxious, don’t fear, don’t panic. Instead- love more, hug more, read your Bible more, teach more life lessons, etc. It’s not our golden hour; let’s agree to be okay with that.

Ya’ll, I am cutting up in 2020. Last week, I went out three nights (almost in a row). I was headed to go out for the fourth night, but my body just couldn’t do it. I’m old(er) now. But you know what? It felt good. One of those nights was date night, but I spent two of them hanging with my sorority sisters and best friend. It was magical. Ben and I always have date nights; thank God that we have a great family here who will watch the kids at the drop of a dime! But getting out with my girls for laughs, drinks and people watching was truly incomparable. In one year alone, I manage a girls’ outing about 2-3 times, but in 2020, I’m doing more of that. And, of course, I’m keeping date night in rotation. 

Since the year has started, I’ve also read three books. Yes, ya’ll- three damn books! I haven’t read for leisure since Quinn was born nearly seven years ago. I am so excited to start doing more of what I want to do and not letting my kids and mom-life get the best of me. 

Here are some things I plan to do more of in 2020. Will you join me?

Spend less time on social media. I can only imagine the amount of spare time I would have if I didn’t scroll through social media as much. How do you think I’ve read all them books, chile? And how do you think laundry is getting folded right out the dryer? And, hell, honestly- too much social media isn’t good for anyone’s mental well-being. It’s addicting; it triggers sadness and jealousy; it makes us delusional by thinking more friends and likes makes us better, more popular, more social. Yeah, whatever. 

Ask for help. My mom picked Demi and Max up from school yesterday. She took them to Chick-fil-A to eat and play, brought them home and bathed them. I didn’t ask her to do that, but I plan to ask for more of that. I felt so relieved and stress-free. I got to spend more time helping each child individually with an academic task- something that I’ve really been slipping on. Demi can now write her 5s the correct way. It only took 20 minutes of one-on-one practice- all while my mom was bathing Max. Thank, Mom! 

Exercise. My Peloton (bike) has been one of the best things to happen to me. I bitched at Ben for about six months for making that purchase after I told him not to, but I thank him every day. I’ve lost 30 pounds by changing my diet and being faithful on the bike.  Exercising helps my sanity; helps me feel good about myself; makes me smile when I walk past my full length mirror; makes me feel sexy naked. You don’t have to get a Peloton, Mama, but please get you some type of exercise routine.

Spend time alone. We’ve always heard that one is the loneliest number, but it’s not when it comes to mamas. I’m going to book that spa day, go shopping (hell, window shopping if I have to), try a new restaurant, etc- all by my damn self. Time away from the kids is crucial for your mental health. 

Be happy with what I have.  Stop comparing my life, my spouse, my kids, my car, my house with everyone else’s. What I have is truly a blessing!

Laugh more. “Laughter is good for the soul,” they say. I’m going to do more crying/pee in my pants laughing.

Remember that “this too shall pass.” When my happiness seems to be floating away, I will remind myself that tough times don’t last forever and that cuddling with my kids won’t either. I will always put those things in perspective. 

Get more sleep. I am so guilty of this. I am a night owl. I feel like I get more done when all the world is sleeping. But just as exercise is important, sleep is, too. I’ve set a bedtime reminder on my phone, and I’m sticking to it. 

Bedroom business. I’m always about making the bedroom boom a little more spicy. Sorry Mom, MIL and SILs if you’re reading this. How you think we got three kids? Might need to work on #4. 

Plan family fun activities. The kids got science kits and lots of hands on toys for Christmas that we have yet to open. I want more family game/craft nights, more sundae making nights, more vacations, more karaoke and dancing- you know? More of creating lifetime memories.

Leave the house-like now. I’ve already said it, but I am saying it again. I am spending more time with my girlfriends in 2020, and I ain’t really gon’ be asking for “permission.” Bye! 

Choose good enough. I am such a perfectionist, and I think everything has to be in its place, neat, and not a damn stain on it like rapper Big Tuck says. But whatever. Good enough will have to do just fine. I’m tired of stressing over perfection.

Put my oxygen mask on first. You know flight attendants always say this in their safety speeches. It’s true though. How am I to help anyone else, and I haven’t even taken care of myself first? It’s necessary, not selfish.

Slow down. “The days are long, but the years are short.” Soon enough, Ben and I will be empty nesters. I will spend more time giving 100% of myself to my family instead of giving them half of me due to unnecessary multitasking. I’m vowing to stay present in the moment.

Set realistic goals. I view lots of other moms as supermoms, but I know my limit- the moment right before I go over the edge. I’m not going there. I’ve figured out what’s important, and I’m doing just that. I’m no longer putting more on my to-do list than I can accomplish, and there won’t be any unnecessary pressure on my shoulders. 

So again, I ask. Will you join me, Mamas? It’s our year.