Category: Random Thoughts

It’s been a minute (8 months exactly) since I’ve made a post. Life has been so busy for the Smith clan. We had the winter storm in February. We dealt with some flooding from burst pipes.  We’ve been juggling sports, a move, and a new dog. It’s been a lot, but we are here and making it! 

Since I last wrote, Ben and I celebrated our 10-year anniversary. So many people congratulated us on making our love last through the decade, so many people commented that they admired our love, so many people said that we make this marriage thing look easy. It hasn’t been easy, but, together we make life good. I sat down and really thought about why I think we have an incredible marriage. Why? Read on….

1. We still make time to date each other. Ya’ll better get yourself a good babysitter, and go on regular dates with your spouse. Shout out to my mama and the Smith clan for always holding it down! 

2. We talk- often. Through the good and the bad, we talk. You have to communicate with your spouse. Talk about what’s bothering you. One thing I love about Ben is that he sets me straight in the most respectful way ever. I know how to handle him, and he knows how to handle me.

3. We know what each other likes/dislikes. We know what pushes each others’ buttons, and we try our very best to avoid those things. If we are ever in a disagreement while talking on the phone, I know that the ultimate way to piss Ben off is to hang up in his face. I learned that early on. I think I’ve only done it maybe four times in the 16 years that we’ve been together. Sometimes I’m immature, and I need the last word, ya’ll. 

4. We get along with each others’ families. Whew, chile. This is a big one. I know for most, this is easier said than done, but your marriage gon’ more than likely be in turmoil 60% of the time if you can’t get along with each others’ families. We are truly blessed in this department. 

5. We don’t sleep separately. If we are mad at each other, we gon’ ‘both be in the bed mad, and I’m gon’ still put my cold feet on him. And that’s that. Ain’t no sleeping in the guest room or on the couch. We gon’ be mad right in this bed together. 

6. We keep things fresh. Things can get stale quick, so make sure you’re keeping it spicy.

7. We make sacrifices, and OFTEN. There’s no “I” in “TEAM.” We do what’s best for us. We don’t move as individuals. I mean, we do when it comes to hanging out with friends and such, but not when it comes to things that may make or break our family. 

8. We are not jealous. Like not at all. We can literally sit at the bar together and a handsome guy can walk in, and I can turn to my husband and say, “Okay, grey shirt!” He’d look at the handsome guy I’m referencing and laugh. And the same goes for him. He can tell me how beautiful he thinks someone else is. Most of the time, I agree, but I always have to end it with, “But she ain’t no Shalesha!” I’m so full of myself. But seriously, y’all. We are happily married and secure enough to not be jealous when we compliment the opposite sex. We are married, but we ain’t blind! And I’ve come to the realization that if anyone can “TAKE” my husband from me, then he wasn’t mine to begin with.  

9. We still text and talk to one another as though we’ve just started dating. We like to flirt with each other. 

10. We show appreciation for each other. Sometimes that appreciation is so small, but it matters. Just yesterday I thanked Ben for doing the dishes. That man didn’t have to be so good to me like that. 

11. We talk often about what needs to be improved, and we act on it.
12. We have a shared vision of what success looks like for us. We don’t worry about what anyone else has going on. We are working for us, and that works just fine for us.

There’s so much more that I can add, but these are the top reasons why our marriage works and will continue to do so. In a world where everything is so fast, slow down and take time to know your spouse. Take time to date each other. Take time to listen. Take time to work things out. Take time to sacrifice. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. 

Before even tying the knot, I had a pretty good idea of what it meant to be a “perfect wife.” I was ready to make that image a reality the moment I said, “I do.” I knew I was “supposed to” have a home cooked meal ready every day, a spotless home, wear lingerie frequently, spice up the bedroom with costumes occasionally, plan monthly “never done before” date nights, and a whole list of other “perfect wife expectations.” I was ready!

For the first few years of marriage, I did just that. I was the “perfect wife.” The kitchen always smelled of new recipes, the house was white glove test approved, date night was always unpredictable, and the bedroom was oh-so-spicy. Even though we’d had Quinn, I was still able to manage all of this. It wasn’t until Demi came around that I began to feel like a failure- well, compared to the first few years. I want to put the disclaimer out there that Ben never made me feel this way; he was always happy with whatever. It was ME who made MYSELF feel like I’d dropped the ball on wife life. Why? Because I wasn’t able to keep up what I’d started. I was working full-time, being a full-time wife and 24-hour mom to two kids. That shit was hard! The house was a mess, hot dinners became a thing of the past, date nights were few and far in between, and my sex drive kerplunked. I was #tiredasamotha. I began to think about how dedicated I was prior to this and desired to be better. But at the same time, I tried to remind myself that those hot meals, the spotless home, date nights, etc. did not, at all, determine my value as a wife. 

Now nearly ten years into my marriage, I’ve realized that there’s so much more to being a good wife than cleaning, cooking and date nights. I’ve realized that I can make a bigger difference in my marriage by prioritizing a few other things. Because after all, having a clean house and slaving in the kitchen stressed me tf out. And, let’s be honest, no one wants to put up with a stressed out wife.

I’ve learned to spend more time doing the following, which, in return, have made me a “perfect wife.” 

-asking my husband how his day was

-letting him know he’s loved and appreciated

-listening to him

-lowering expectations for myself

-asking my husband how I can help him and take a load off of his plate

-making time for him (This is hard with kids, but it’s a MUST.)

-talking through things with him when something is bothering me (I used to expect him to read my mind, and of course, that never ended well.)

-showing concern for him when something is bothering him

-doing random acts of kindness

-taking care of and noticing his needs

Reflecting on all of this, I could have saved so much time, energy and stress if I’d realized what truly mattered all along. I was so honed in on being the “perfect wife” that I was focused on the wrong things. Don’t get me wrong, those things were appreciated, but they just weren’t the most important. To be honest, they stood in the way of what was really important in my marriage. So, Sis, forget that load of laundry and those dishes in the sink tonight, and give “husbae” a little extra- a little more of you.  

Beyoncé dropped her single “Black Parade” on Juneteenth, a celebratory day in the black community. June 19th, 1865 signified the end of slavery for all blacks. “Black Parade” is an anthem full of blackness. Let’s break apart the song so that we can understand all of its black greatness. Footnotes are provided for more information. 

[Verse 1]

I’m goin’ back to the South

I’m goin’ back, back, back, back

Where my roots ain’t watered down

Growin’, growin’ like a Baobab tree ¹

Of life on fertile ground, ancestors put me on game

Ankh charm on gold chains, with my Oshun energy ²

Drip all on me, Ankh on the Dashiki print ³

Hol’ up, don’t I smell like such a nag champa incense? ⁴

Yeah, pure ice (Ice), ice (Ice), buss down

Uh, flooded (Flooded), flooded (Flooded), on my wrist out

Ooh, goin’ up, goin’ up, motherland, motherland drip on me

Ooh, melanin, melanin, my drip is skin deep, like ⁵

Ooh, motherland, motherland, motherland, motherland drip on me

Ooh, yeah, I can’t forget my history is her-story, yeah

Being black, maybe that’s the reason why

They always mad, yeah, they always mad, yeah

Been past ’em, I know that’s the reason why

They all big mad and they always have been ⁶

[Chorus]

Honey, come around my way, around my hive ⁷

Whenever mama say so, mama say

Here I come on my throne, sittin’ high

Follow my parade, oh, my parade

Talkin’ slick to my folk (My folk), nip that lip like lipo (Lipo) ⁸

You hear them swarmin’, right? Bees is known to bite

Now here we come on our thrones, sittin’ high ⁹

Follow my parade, oh, my parade

[Verse 2]

Yeah, yeah, I’m for us, all black ¹⁰

All chrome (Yeah), black-owned (Yeah)

Black tints (Yeah), matte black (Yeah, yeah)

Roll by, my window down, let ’em see who in it

Crack a big smile (Ding)

Go figure, me and Jigga, fifty ‘leven children ¹¹

They like, “Chick, how?”

I charge my crystals in a full moon

You could send them missiles, I’ma send my goons

Baby sister reppin’ Yemaya (Yemaya) ¹²

Trust me, they gon’ need an army (Ah)

Rubber bullets bouncin’ off me (Ah) ¹³

Made a picket sign off your picket fence (Ah) ¹⁴

Take it as a warning (Ah, ah)

Waist beads from Yoruba (Woo) ¹⁵

Four hunnid billi’, Mansa Musa (Woo) ¹⁶

Stroll line to the barbeque ¹⁷

Put us any-damn-where, we gon’ make it look cute ¹⁸

Pandemic fly on the runway, in my hazmat

Judgin’, runnin’ through the house to my art, all black ¹⁹

Ancestors on the wall, let the ghosts chit-chat

(Ancestors on the wall, let the ghosts chit-chat)

Hold my hands, we gon’ pray together

Lay down, face down in the gravel

Woo, wearin’ all attire white to the funeral ²⁰

Black love, we gon’ stay together ²¹

Curtis Mayfield on the speaker (Woo) ²²

Lil’ Malcolm, Martin mixed with Mama Tina (Woo) ²³

Need another march, lemme call Tamika (Woo) ²⁴

Need peace and reparation for my people (Woo) ²⁵

Fuck these laid edges, I’ma let it shrivel up (Shrivel up) ²⁶

Fuck this fade and waves, I’ma let it dread all up (Dread all up) ²⁷

Put your fists up in the air, show black love (Show black love) ²⁸

Motherland drip on me, motherland, motherland drip on me

[Chorus]

Honey, come around my way, around my hive

Whenever mama say so, mama say

Here I come on my throne, sittin’ high

Follow my parade, oh, my parade

Talkin’ slick to my folk (My folk), nip that lip like lipo (Lipo)

Hear ’em swarmin’, right? Bees is known to bite

Now here we come on our thrones, sittin’ high

Follow my parade, oh, my parade

[Bridge]

We got rhythm (We got rhythm), we got pride (We got pride)

We birth kings (We birth kings), we birth tribes (We birth tribes)

Holy river (Holy river), holy tongue (Holy tongue)

Speak the glory (Speak the glory), feel the love (Feel the love)

Motherland, motherland drip on me, hey, hey, hey

Motherland, motherland drip on me, hey, hey, hey

I can’t forget my history, it’s her-story

Motherland drip on me, motherland, motherland drip on me

[Chorus]

Honey, come around my way, around my hive (My)

Whenever mama say so (Hey), mama say (Hey, hey)

Here I come on my throne, sittin’ high (High)

Follow my parade, oh, my parade (Hey, hey, hey)

Talkin’ slick to my folk (My folk), nip that lip like lipo (Lipo)

Hear ’em swarmin’, right? Bees is known to bite

Now here we come on our thrones, sittin’ high

Follow my parade, oh, black parade

That’s all folks. You’re welcome. #iamblackandiamproud 

How many times have you heard these words? How did they make you feel? Like you were in trouble? Like you’d done something wrong? Scared? Anxious? 

Have you ever said these words to someone, and they answered with, “Yes! I’d love to talk. I’ve been waiting for this moment.” Probably not. Because when these words are said, something pleasant rarely ever follows. Most times when you say, “We need to talk,” or when someone says it to you, you want them to listen; they want you to listen. 

These four words signal someone to believe that something is serious. I know when I say them to Ben, it’s always something going on that I’m not satisfied with. Truthfully, it seems that these words are only used when there’s a problem. 

So how about we try a different approach the next time you need to talk to someone. Flat out say what you want to talk about. Say we need to talk about what you said to me at dinner, we need to talk about how you can help more around the house, we need to talk about how you kept using my Netflix account after I logged in at your house for movie night. It could be about whatever! Just talk- without even prefacing the conversation with those anxiety-inducing four words. 

Have the decency to give the person a concrete point to reflect on. Otherwise, they waste time and nerves by reviewing every single thing they’ve said or done since birth that could have possibly offended you. The “we need to talk” and then leaving them hanging never really helps the situation. Try this new approach. Do it today if something is bothering you. #getitoffyourchest

Does that sound alarming? Maybe. But you should know that I was complete before I even met him. This is a PSA for those of you who are still in search of your “other half.” Before you find that person, make sure that you are complete. Adding someone to the equation will not make you whole. You have to love yourself, respect yourself, be content with yourself, and marry your damn self before bringing someone else into the picture. 

You don’t know how many times I’ve read wedding stories that include, “he/she just completes me.” So…you were half a person this whole time? Were you just roaming around this here Earth with a piece of yourself missing? How does that work? This cliche phrase sounds cute. It’s what society teaches us. What we should really be saying is that our spouse complements us, not completes us. Well, unless of course, you felt like half a person before your spouse came along. 

In my honest opinion, I think it’s pretty scary to say that someone else completes you. It implies that you’re needy, dependent and reliant.  Are you not fully formed without the existence of this other person? 

Yes, my husband and I share interests, but we are also opposites on so many things. And that’s OK. I take pride in my independence. I have my own passions, hobbies, friends, etc. We are two whole people who had satisfying lives before we met. Have our lives been enriched and more enjoyable together? Definitely! But what’s important is that we both possess a solid sense of self, which is what makes us so strong as a unit. I love Ben to the core. He loves me, irritates me, challenges me, accepts my flaws, teaches me patience, and supports me. Despite all of this, he doesn’t complete me, and I thank God that he wasn’t created for that. He is human, and at any point, he can fail me. Why? Because we’re all flawed.

Don’t expect your spouse to carry the burden of completing you. Let him/her be the one you share your joy, peace and hope with, not the one who’s the source of your joy, peace and hope. That’s God’s job. 

What are your thoughts? Does your spouse “complete” you?

Ya’ll, it’s true. When you marry your spouse, you really marry his/her whole family. That’s a given. Let’s just face it, in-laws can make or break your marriage whether you believe it or not. I am in several wife and mom groups on Facebook, and ooooohhhh chile, the amount of drama some people post about their in-laws is too much to even tell Jesus about. I literally sometimes grab my phone, sit down with a stiff drink and my favorite snack and just “enjoy the show.” As I read through some of the comments, the whole time, I’m thinking to myself, “Oh no, she didn’t!” or “She needs to be slapped!” or “Really? Your sister-in-law said or did that to you?!” 

I’m not making light of people who have dreadful in-law situations, but I just really can’t relate. My in-laws are my in-loves. Blood could not make us closer. I like them. I actually enjoy family outings and vacations. I love their company. I value their opinion. I like having them around. 

Why? Simply because:

• They don’t get in our business because they have satisfying lives of their own. 

• They don’t ask Ben to keep secrets from me.

• They support me. 

• They don’t think Ben is perfect. 

• They don’t show up to my house unannounced.

• They don’t criticize me or make me feel less than who I am.

• They don’t compare me. 

• They don’t tell me how to run my house. 

• They motivate and encourage me. 

• They understand boundaries. 

• They don’t try to fix what they may deem as broken. 

• They are not judgy assholes.

• They don’t impose themselves.
• They’re helpful. 

• They don’t challenge or critique my parenting methods.

• They tell me I’m doing a good job even when I feel like I’m the shittiest mom ever.  

• They will babysit at the drop of a dime and for FREE- I don’t think you read that with enough emphasis! FREEEEEEEEE, ya’ll. 

I could honestly go on and on about the greatness of my in-laws. I’m not saying any of this to brag. This is just more of a realization of how blessed I truly am. I think the most important thing to take away from this is that all of the above is reciprocal. I respect them and treat them as such. If Ben decides he’s going to up and leave me for some floozy today, I can guar-an-damn-tee you I will be at the family function tomorrow looking fine af and unbothered. 

I get that some of us aren’t as lucky to score awesome in-laws. It’s just something about you marrying their beloved son/daughter or brother/sister that just brings out the bat shit crazy in them. But that ain’t my story. 

I’m grateful that I haven’t had the horrible in-law experience, and I pray that if you have been through this or are going through this, that you’ll fight to build or rebuild that relationship. After all, your in-laws are important to your spouse. It’s up to both of you to find ways to foster a healthy relationship. This way- everyone wins.